Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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