I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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