This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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