I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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