i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
