why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
