If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
