And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
