Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
