i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
