New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
