I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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