we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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