Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
