I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
