Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
