After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
