I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you inspire me to be a worse person
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
