drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
