Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
