i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
