i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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