ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just pee around me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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