Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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