Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
