After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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