The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
