well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
either way he was missing a nipple.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
