its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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