What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
