only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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