Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
