Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
