I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
