My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
