you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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