i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
