Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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