and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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