i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
