Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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