wrigley field is MILF paradise
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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