saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
