i need an iv and a liver transplant
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
