you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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