Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
