I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Bring me that man meat
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
