I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Terrible idea I love it
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
