This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
