Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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