ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
