I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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