If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
