also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
