Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
